From the Vault - Annamaniacs: The Invention
About a thousand years ago, in a land far away (the next province over) I had a humor column. Every week for five years I wrote about anything I pleased. People stopped me in the streets, recognizing me from the newspaper - usually when I was without make up and dressed like a slob and not expecting it.
Nobody knows me now. Fame is fleeting. Fortune never came. The kids grew up and moved away. I grew up and moved away. And now I sit here in anonymity like Nora Desmond. Only I don't have Max. And if you don't know what I'm talking about then you missed out on a really good variety show.
Anyway, because I'm behind and I'm doing the July 19 blog on July 20, I bring you something from the vault.
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I had a dream. It was a wonderful dream. I dreamt I was at an inventor’s convention. All around me were fabulous inventions of every kind. Flying cars: 3-D televisions: and computers that didn’t freeze up, get viruses, or have pop up ads and spam.
But some of the most interesting inventions had to do with housework. It’s not popular for women to talk about housework. We all hate those Mr. Clean ads that show women who want to be able to eat off their floors. But on the other hand, we are a generation who does not have Alices and Hazels in our lives. (For you young people out there Alice and Hazel were live in cleaning ladies on TV.). We don’t talk about housework, but we still do it.
So among the marvelous inventions, were heavy duty dishwashers with hands that stacked themselves
(the dishes not the hands), refrigeration systems that planned menus, furniture that resisted dust, and a marvel of all marvels, “The Laundress”.
It was a man who was demonstrating the Laundress (do you notice it’s always men who show housework stuff). He looked like the guy from the Music Man and everyone gathered around was dressed like they did in the fifties. Women wore skirt suits and men wore hats. Hey it was a dream, it doesn’t have to make sense.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have an invention that is going to change the lives of people everywhere!
"This little robot is ‘The Laundress’.
"What? You ask. Don’t we already have washers and dryers?
"The Laundress will not replace your washer and dryer. She will use it. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, she will sort your clothes, zero in on stains and pre-treat them, empty pockets, iron perfectly, fold, hang clothes correctly, and put them away. She will even hand-wash and not pass any judgement on your underwear. Plus, she never loses a sock. That’s right folks, matching socks!
"Not only that, but she can scan members of the family to get their measurements, and with that information determine instantly whether clothes need to be tossed. This can be a great help for growing children – and growing waistlines.
"If you spill something on your dress or tie she can instantly remove the stain without having you remove your clothing. Unfortunately we’ve got a minor glitch here.. She either tickles you or knocks you flat.
"She’s an expert at mending. She can tame the monster of those kids rooms and keep all those clothes off the floor and in those drawers. She can dry clean and save you dollars. She will warn you when your clothing is becoming out of style or shabby.
"As an added feature with the super deluxe model, she is capable of cleaning and repairing your washer, dryer and iron. She can also untangle the wild mess of wire hangers.
"Further with the Mega 2 Model, she can determine if one of your children has been wearing those pants too many days in a row. She is capable of knocking down and stripping a 16 year old boy.
"All models come in both male and female versions and several different designer colors. She is able to move on all kinds of surfaces, can carry heavy loads, and even manages stairs. She can avoid tripping over your dog or cat. If she can maneuver around a kids room, she can maneuver around anything.
"Let me give you a demonstration. Are there any 16 year old boys in the crowd?”
Then I woke up and did my laundry. Well, some of it.
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Today's Canadian Woman is...
Jennifer Quist
I actually know this woman. We became friends years ago. She knew me back in my column days. And she became very close to my mother.
She's a writer and and has been awarded a bunch of awards. I'm jealous. Her books actually make it onto lists. I knew her back when she wrote her first book. She gifted it to me but warned me not to read it yet because it was about death and I had just lost my mother.
When I did read it, upon completion I threw it across the room and wailed that I am not worthy as a writer.
There's a reason she wins awards.
So here's her website.