Free For All Friday: Spectacle Spectacle

The day of anything I want. *****

I have always had excellent vision. Really, really good vision. Like being able to see a fly on a camel's back in Arabia and then instantly focus on the fine print in a contract that's in front of my nose. I even stitched one over one on 40 count linen without the any helps at all. No magnifiers, no special lamps, no glasses. Just my bare naked eyes.

But something happened a few years ago.

The creators of food stuffs started making the words on their packages really, really small. And the pharmacies followed suit which frankly, that's really dangerous because you could read it as take 10 tablets when it's really only 1. Before I knew it, the book printers were making the text in books fuzzy. And I swear it was a long thought of plot, because even the text in books I already owned and had read many times since childhood became fuzzy. So I think they used some special kind of ink that wears down over time. It's a conspiracy with eye doctors. The eye doctors pay them to do this.

Because of this I had to get reading glasses. Oh, I didn’t spend a lot. I'm not going to conspiratorial optometrists. I'm too savvy for that. I picked up those reading glasses you get at Michaels or the dollar stores. I like the Michaels ones better because they come in all kinds of fun and hip patterns and not just boring black, brown, or gold. Pink polka dots, turquoise geometrics, red plaids, Partridge Family bus psychedelics, purple paisleys…a whole plethora of wardrobe choices for your eyes at a fraction of the cost of real glasses that old people get.

I picked up several pairs because I’m not good with glasses. They get lost and broken and why would I spend hundreds of dollars on glasses that will end up at the bottom of my knitting bag? So when my glasses get lost or broken, I just go out and throw a fiver down on another pair.

The plan is to always have a pair of glasses in every room. My study, my living room, my kitchen, my bedroom, my bathroom, my studio, my purse, my car, the bottom of my kitting bag and a pair that goes wandering because there is always at least one of those in every family.

It’s not like I walk around wearing these things. They may clarify the fuzzies up close but for walking around they make the world fuzzy like I’ve had too much to drink. I take them off and throw them down somewhere and go to another room and find out that I can’t read the words on the frozen pizza box. It’s easier to have a pair of glasses ready and waiting saying "pick me, pick me". Each pair is different so I never get bored with the same old look. You don't wear the same clothes every day - well, unless you wear a uniform or you're Steve Jobs who isn't with us anymore because his closet rose up in protest over all the black turtlenecks.

See, that’s the plan and it works well when it works.

But then the glasses get their own ideas.

I walk into a room and I can’t find them. I wander around my house searching for a pair of glasses, any glasses. I’m not fussy. The purple paisley glasses can be in the living room even though purple paisley is for the study. I don’t have hard and fast rules about which glasses go where. Green gingham is great for the kitchen but it’s fine in the bathroom too. I can deal with my glasses not being color co-ordinated with my rooms.

But can I find a pair of glasses anywhere?

Nope.

Until one day I stumble across the entire group hanging out together having a party. And judging by the way they’re lying around on top of each other it’s the kind of party that no self-respecting God fearing woman would go to. So then I have to break up the party and take everyone to their homes where, chastised, they behave for a few days and then sneak out of their rooms again.

You know, when I was a kid in the 60’s, middle aged women wore their glasses on a chain around their necks. It looked really fuddy duddy, and old, but now I’m thinking that it’s kind of elegant and maybe it’s time I embraced my fuddy duddy. I can still do it wearing purple paisley and pink polka dots.