Woman at the Well: Forgiveness
- Anna Maria Junus
- Jul 7, 2019
- 4 min read
The other day I was in my cozy living room talking to a friend about forgiveness and anger. Those two things go hand in hand.
My friend is a kind and generous person. She loves to garden but lives in an apartment, so she comes to my house which has a good sized yard, and she mows the lawn, has pots of flowers all over the place, and happily plays in the dirt. She even calls it playing. She also brings me home made apple pie. Did you get that? She mows my lawn and brings me pie. The woman is an angel. I am thrilled to have someone mow my lawn. I get to sit outside and enjoy my mowed lawn and the pots of flowers and I don't have to do anything. She is a good person who laughs a lot, is passionate about many things, and is really smart.
Like many of us, she's been hurt deeply.
And she carries this hurt and anger around with her. Sometimes the most innocent comment will get her riled up and she'll rant on about how horrible her ex was, or her mother, or her sister, or her daughter, or... She's been hurt by a lot of people that shouldn't have hurt her so deeply. She doesn't believe in forgiveness. She sees it as letting someone off the hook and saying it's okay that they did the things they did. And she's just fine with feeling bitter and angry over this. I fully understand this. I have my own issues and if I dwell on past hurts long enough I can grow resentful and angry as well. During my marriage I had a lot of "if you don't forgive me then you are the greater sinner" heaped upon me. There's guilt attached to not forgiving. If you don't forgive you are the greater sinner. What a horrible thing to say to someone you have deeply wounded. This is taught by churches. For people of faith this is an added burden to the pain they already carry. Let's look at what forgiveness is not. 1. Forgiveness is not saying "it's okay that you did that to me." 2. Forgiveness is not letting someone off the hook. You may have the power to let someone off the hook and that may be a gift, but it is not a requirement of forgiveness.
3. "Forgive and forget" does not necessarily go together. You may choose to forget. Or you may choose to tuck that knowledge you gained away until you need it.
4. Forgiveness is not weak.
5. Forgiveness does not have a timeline attached to it.
6. Forgiveness is not an instantaneous moment. It can take time. It doesn't magically happen.
7. Forgiveness doesn't fix everything.
The turning point for me was praying yet again about forgiveness and the answer came into my head "you don't have to forgive him on his terms." It was a miracle. An answer I had finally received after years of agony. I didn't have to forgive him on his terms. I could forgive him on MY terms. And what were my terms? Well, it was that I was no longer married to him.
I knew that I could not be married to him and forgive him. It was a constant case of him doing something devastating, me having to forgive, and him doing it again. It was a never ending circle that I had to escape from.
Not always, but sometimes you have to leave those who you need to forgive. You have to be able to remove yourself from the situation, step back, and give yourself space.
Oh, the things he did amped up as punishment, but I was no longer in that cycle of "having" to forgive. I allowed myself to be angry. I used that anger in positive ways to accomplish the things I needed to accomplish to get out of the toxic situation.
And then one day, after a couple of years and another round of fighting with the government over the child support he refused to pay, I realized that it was causing me to be bitter and angry all the time. The positive anger that I had needed was now turning into something negative. So again I stepped away. I decided that I had done what I could and I left it up to government agencies to deal with things because I had other things to do - like raising kids who needed a stable and happy mother.
As time went on and my attention turned to other things besides my ex, forgiveness, or perhaps not caring anymore about him, took over. I was no longer angry. Sure, he still does stuff that gets me upset, but I don't have to live with him. I don't have to deal with him daily. I've moved on.
I have chosen not to be an angry, bitter person. I'm still passionate. I can still get riled up. But I don't live there anymore. I have stepped away and turned my attention to other things that fill me up. You don't forgive for others. If I was still angry with him all the time, it wouldn't hurt him at all. He's moved on, remarried twice, and lives no where near me. It would only hurt me. And I've been hurt enough.
*****
Today's Canadian Woman is
Diana Krall (1964 - )
Diana Krall is a jazz pianist and singer born in Nanaimo BC (which is currently where I live). Downtown Nanaimo has the Diana Krall Plaza just outside the public library.
She has also won the Order of Canada.
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