Establishing Family Connections

I put out the question: What would you like to see me write on my blog?

I got one answer: How about how modern families are becoming more and more disconnected? I’d like to know what the new families starting out can do better…. So thank you, Karin, for that question. Here we go.

So last year, on a lovely summer day, as I was sitting on my favorite bench in the park, I saw two different occurrences. A young couple with a baby in a stroller walked by. The mother was scrolling on her phone, the baby trying to get her attention. The father was several steps behind. He was scrolling on his phone as well. There was no interaction between them or with their baby. Another young couple walked by later. She too pushed a stroller. And while she pushed the stroller, she sang to her baby in a beautiful voice. The dad walked beside her. The baby was smiling at her.

It starts before they're even born. It begins with the relationship between the couple. Are you connected to each other? Or to your phones? Do you walk together holding hands? Or apart holding phones?

When you're pregnant do you stroke your stomach and talk to your baby? Do you tell him/her that you love them. Do you sing or play music? Does your baby know you when it's born?

It's never too late to start to be connected, but it's best if you can connect from the start.

So here are some ideas for connection... 1. Have regular meal time. This involves sitting around a table (not just at the kitchen island). Put away the electronics. Put away the books. Turn off the tv. It's you, your family, and food. Have conversations. What did you do today? What do you think about this? Ask your children for their opinions and their experiences. This is NOT the time to chew them out or punish them. Mealtime should be enjoyable for everyone.

2. Have regular family time. Game night, movie night, an excursion somewhere, a family activity. My family loved doing theatre together. We got involved in plays. Maybe yours loves sports or plays music.

3. Teach your kids that disagreement is not cause for disconnection. So many family members are cutting off family members over disagreements in politics, religion, social structure, or something else. Stop it. Don't do that. Instead of demanding agreement, agree to disagree.

4. Keep your marriage strong. The greatest gift you can give your children is the love and respect you give each other. Go on dates. Have an interest that you share. Make time for each other without the kids. Have sex. Be each other's best friend. Remember why you married each other.

5. Have a rule for yourself as the kids get older that someone is waiting up for them. When they come home from a date, an event, a party - you're there waiting for them. They know that they have to face you when they come home, so it's less likely they'll. do something stupid. Plus, they have the assurance that you care about them. It also gives them a chance to talk to you about their evening. And they know they can call if they need a ride. Also, they can blame you if they want to say no to something and save face with their friends.

6. Establish rules and boundaries as they grow. Different ages require different rules and boundaries. Kids need and want them so they know what is expected of them. Plus, it gives them a safe space to rebel. When you give them no rules or boundaries, their rebellion goes to extremes. Rebellion is a natural state of growing up as kids establish their own boundaries and start to separate from their parents. On the other hand, don't go to the opposite extreme so that kids have no choice but to rebel or be robots. Be practical, not tyrannical. Explain why the rule is in place.

7. Unless there's a reason to say no, then say yes. Give them options and choices.

   
   

   I remember while working in a yarn shop, a mother came in with her young daughter. She showed us the pattern of the sweater she wanted to make for her daughter, and we showed her the appropriate yarn. Then she asked her daughter to pick a colour. The daughter chose a really pretty pink. No problem, right? Except - the mother didn't like the pink. She wanted to do it in grey.

   
   

   First off, you never expect a child to choose grey when she's faced with all kinds of colours. So she gives her child a choice, and then takes the choice away when it doesn't meet with her approval. What does that teach her daughter? "You have bad taste. You can't be trusted to make a good choice. Whatever you choose is wrong."

   
   

   So say yes as often as it's safe, affordable, and feasible to do so.

8. Say no. Say no to their demands. Say no to bad behaviour. Say no to dangerous ideas. Say no to illegal activities. Say no to things that will hurt them or hurt others. This goes back to setting up boundaries. No, you can't drink alcohol. No you can't do drugs. No you can't get a tattoo. No you're not the opposite sex. No, Johnny, you can't go into the girls' locker room. No you can't drive the car without a license. No, you can't have your girlfriend stay the night in your room. No, you can't go to the wild party, or the heavy metal concert in the city several hours away, or to a mixed sex sleepover.

   
   

9. Hold them accountable for their actions. If they do something wrong, don't lie for them. Don't excuse them. Don't defend them. Have them face the price for what they've done. Maybe it's just an apology. Maybe it's something more serious. You do them no favours when you let them get away with hurting people or damaging property or breaking laws.

   
   

10. Know that if they don't hate you sometimes, you may not be doing your job. Because once they grow up, they'll realize that you did it for them - not against them.

I hope that answers the question.

Also - there's no such thing as the perfect parent who never makes mistakes.

Adult children are responsible for their own choices.

Even God has children who go astray and turn away.